Growth

Putting words to paper right now, even just writing a simple carefree post, feels like a nice deep stretch after a long car ride. I said to my husband last night, that writing after taking an extended break from it, is like working out with muscles you haven’t used in a while. The memory is there. The desire to perform like you used to. But you have to put them to use, for them to get stronger, move smoothly. It’s definitely something that starts to come easier, and faster, the more you do it. So I’m excited to be on this journey again. Excited that I get to take all the life that has happened over the last few years, all the ways I’ve grown and things I’ve learned, and lay it out for others to see. I’m just excited! 

This period of life right now, this place where I have miraculously landed in the last few years, this is my sanctuary. I have never been more settled. I laugh more. I dwell on trivial things less. I Love deeper. I am seeking deeper relationships and friendships. The kind that stand true, and face adversity with open and honest conversation instead of acting like it doesn’t exist. 

The last few years certainly have not passed without trials, but I can honestly say, I handled them so much better than I ever could have previously. Going through them, while also growing through them. That’s the ultimate goal, isn’t it? That we not only go through life, simply surviving it, but that we thrive within it?!  I genuinely feel like I am doing just that, and I hope that my writing and my thoughts will reflect that. 

I find myself looking back on challenging events a lot more lately. And instead of dwelling on the anger or hurt from what happened, I am now asking myself what I learned from it. If I am happy with how I handled things. Could I have done anything better, or different? Maybe most importantly, how can I keep from it happening again? While also acknowledging that sometimes that isn’t feasible. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are certain aspects of life beyond our control. These are the things the universe presents to us, and we must endure them. But not always. 

Sometimes it’s our own doing that lands us right in a big pile of shit. Maybe it’s a relationship that we keep going back to, even when we know we shouldn’t. Perhaps it’s demons we haven’t been brave enough to face, that will keep testing us until we do. Sometimes, it may even be that we aren’t holding other people accountable for THEIR own shit! which inevitably, leads us right to the pile with them. 

So that’s why I started looking back a little more lately. Revisiting the situation with a truly honest approach. Was it me? If so, what do I need to learn from it, do differently next time?  Or Was it them? If it was them, I have to ask myself “do I think they ever do the same?”. Will they ever look back, will they ever see how they could have done better? Should have done better? Are they self aware enough to even care? 

If I answer no to those things, those are the relationships I have been learning to let go of. Even when it’s hard. Really damn hard. Because I have finally accepted that without self reflection and self awareness, change is not possible. Growth doesn’t happen without it.

And life is just too damn short, to surround yourself with people that refuse to grow with you.