Throw Back Thursday (A Love Without Buts 3/10/2016)

I originally wrote this post in March of 2016. Nine years ago, when our love was new. So very new. I smiled the entire time I was reading this and reflecting on this post again. I smiled because I can remember the butterflies that this man gave me back then, I remember them well because I still feel them now. Every time I hear the garage door open and I know that he is home, it is like my soul releases a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I still stand by this post, and this sentiment. I am still damn proud of the choices I made that allowed me to find this kind of love. Even if those around me didn’t understand them then. Even if I was judged harshly for them. Every time my 6 year old son tells me I am beautiful, or opens a door for me like daddy does, every time I see a sliver of the love his dad bestows upon me coming out of him, it lets me know we are doing it right. Every time I see my daughter coming to my husband for advice she pretends not to listen to, but is secretly soaking it all up, I know we are doing it right. Almost 10 years later, and we are still doing it right. More than that, we are doing it well. The marriage we work hard at daily, is one of the things I am most proud of in my life. It is one I have no doubt my children will remember, and set their standards against. It is once in a lifetime. I am awestruck every day that the universe aligned us so perfectly together, and that every step in my life was leading me here, to this love without buts.

Wrote on 3/10/2016

I love him, but….
He loves me but…..

 
How many times have you explained your romantic relationships with a statement that begins this way ? If you are honest, probably more times than you can count right? There is always a BUT. I love him, BUT I just wish he was better with kids. I love him BUT I wish he was more romantic. I love him BUT I wish he communicated better. He loves me, BUT he just doesn’t know how to show it. He really is a good man, BUT he just has to learn what I need from him. Sound familiar? It was EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I had, until now. Every single one. 

 A friend asked me recently how I knew that Russell was different. My response was quite simple, “he is the only man I have ever loved without a but”. “Wait… what?”. That was her response. So after we had a good laugh, I explained to her what I meant. Russell is the first man I have ever loved, where I didn’t follow that statement with a but. I have never wanted to change one single thing about him, and I have never wished for him to love me differently. He loves me perfectly. He loves me the way I always dreamed love was like. He loves me like I hope someone will love my daughter one day. I haven’t described him to anyone ever and been able to say one thing about him that I wished was different.

 This is real love folks. This is love without buts. If you don’t know this kind of love, don’t settle until you do. Until he blows you kisses through the kitchen window while he does toe touches and herkies on the trampoline with your nine year old, and twirls you around dancing with you in the middle of the grocery store isle. Until he looks at you like you are the only woman he sees, and makes you feel like you never knew what love was until him. Until he is better than any dream you ever had. Don’t settle. Don’t accept anything until you find EVERYTHING you ever wanted in your person. They won’t be perfect, yet they will be perfect for you.

Russell and I have something I only ever imagined existed, and had I kept settling I never would have found it. Divorce, change, break-ups, moving out, it was all very hard at the moment I was living it. I have felt shamed, and disappointed. I have endured heartache, and challenges that I thought for sure would break me. I have doubted myself and my choices. I have broke hearts, and had my heart broken. I would do it all again though, as long as it would still lead me to him. Our love, this love without buts, still catches me off guard when I think about the magnitude of it. It is so raw and unrehearsed. It is natural and never forced. Our connection is the kind I used to lay in bed and pray my daughter would find for herself in a husband. He is the laughter my soul craves on the worst of days, and the cleansing rain that waters my heart. He is my person.

So if you find yourself describing your love/relationship with a BUT… just stop yourself there. That means there is something more for you. Someone better. Society would like you to think that settling is necessary. That you should stay where you are if it is safe and stable. That the perfect relationship does not exist, and therefore you need to accept “good enough”. While a perfect relationship IS a false hope, that does not mean that you can’t find a person perfectly made for you. Being perfect, and being perfect TOGETHER are two very different things. Russell is not perfect, and neither am I.
Together though, we are.

So this blog is for you Russell, my love. Thank you. For making my dreams a reality EVERY day. For being my best friend. For loving me with the kind of love that embarrasses V. Thank you, for allowing me the privilege to love without buts!!!!