Throw Back Thursday.. February 2001

I wrote this poem 25 years ago. I was 17 years old. I titled it “When Weakness Wins”.

The pretty little flower sat alone in the sun. There were no others like her, she was the only one.

She was “perfect” in all the ways, except for this one petal that just wouldn’t stay.

At every drop of rain, or rush of the wind.. the weak little petal just fell off again.

She would grow it back, and mend it with care. But somehow, not long after, that same spot always became bare.

She finally gave up, and the perfect flower began so wilt. Her stem grew weak, and her head began to tilt.

She spent the rest of her life, with her petals drooped in shame. All because of one weak little petal she could never tame.

I remember writing this poem. I was one year away from graduating high school. I felt so alone.. “there were no others like her, she was the only one”. I felt so deeply alone for most of my life. Alone with my pain. Alone with my sadness. Alone with the darkness. I felt like giving up, like I didn’t have much more the world could take from me… “the perfect flower began to wilt”. I felt just like that. Like a wilted flower. Left in the direct sunlight without water. Cowering away from it, willing it to stop beating down on me.

I always felt like something was wrong with me, and I can hear that pain in this poem. “She spent the rest of her life, wilted in shame. All because of one little petal she couldn’t tame”. I convinced myself that there must be something wrong with me. There was something I needed to do, an achievement I needed to reach and hadn’t yet, something. There had to be a reason my mother didn’t love me. A reason my biological father didn’t desire to know me. Logic behind the pain that had been inflicted on me. It was because I wasn’t enough, or I was too much. Either way, it was because of me. I couldn’t make myself perfect enough. Couldn’t get that petal to stay.

I wish I could go back and hug this teenage version of myself. Tell her it was not her fault. It never was. Tell her that she won’t be alone forever. Tell her she doesn’t have to be perfect. Tell her that one day, she won’t sit in the sun alone anymore. She will be planted in a garden full of love!