Throw Back Thursday (Sick And Tired)!

I am bringing it back, throw back Thursdays! Well, I am attempting to. Life was lifin’ for a while, and I wasn’t writing nearly as much as I wanted to. So I am attempting to ease back into writing regularly, and figured Throw Back Thuradays were a good way to start! For today’s throw back, I am re-visitng a poem that I wrote back in 1998. That was 28 years ago, and I was 14 years old. I wrote this poem about my mother. I titled it “Sick And Tired”. Let’s take a look…

I am sick and tired of the chaos, I am sick and tired of you.

I am sick and tired of loving you, I am sick and tired of hating you.

I am sick and tired of feeling like you don’t even know me, I am sick and tired of hearing how I will never be what you want me to be.

I am sick and tired of you letting me down over and over again, I am sick and tired of the pain that never seems to end.

I am sick and tired of hearing how I am nothing you thought I would be, I am sick and tired of knowing that you don’t even know me.

I am sick and tired of all the excuses for the things you do and say, I am sick and tired of the way you are a different person from day to day.

I am sick and tired of all the threats of ways to tear my heart out, I am sick and tired of all the bullshit you make huge deals about!

I am sick and tired of the way you never see the good things I do, I am sick and tired of you never loving me when I try so hard to love you.

I am sick and tired of you never giving credit when it is due, I am sick and tired of you never taking blame even when we all know it’s you.

I am sick and tired of the way you have a reason to cover up all your mistakes, I am sick and tired of giving in when all you do is take.

I am sick and tired of the way you manipulate everyone’s feelings and thoughts, I am sick and tired of being in your presence and still feeling so lost.

I am sick and tired of the way you never stick to the things you say, I am sick and tired of loving you even though you keep acting this way!

I am sick and tired of losing sleep over the things you say to me, I am sick and tired of the way you can’t just let me be!

I am sick and tired of the way you think you are right when you are usually wrong, I am sick and tired of the way you carry your grudges way too long.

I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired of you.

Reading this again, it honestly makes me sad that the feelings I felt at 14 are still so valid. Still heavy on the “I am sick and tired of you never taking the blame even when we all know it’s you”, and “I am sick and tired of loving you, I am sick and tired of hating you”. Twenty eight years later, and a lot of things have not changed, even when so many have. The biggest change is that I no longer allow the ebb and flow of HER emotions to also control mine. I have worked on boundaries with my mom for YEARS now, and I still falter in them at times. I have to stop and remind myself that I am an adult. I make my own choices, and my family that I’ve built comes first. I still struggle with the guilt that always comes with keeping her at a distance, and the loneliness that comes from being the outsider of the family. But I also value my peace too much to let that loneliness take precedent.

Either way, in reflecting back on this poem today it made me feel a mix of emotions. I am mournful for 14 year old me. Sad that she felt this conflicted in her relationship with her mother at such a young age. Disheartened that she felt so utterly alone, unloved, and unaccepted. But I am also proud! Proud that at 14, I recognized my feelings, and placed them where they belonged. Proud that I gave them a voice and allowed them to be heard. Proud that I was self aware enough to realize that the things I was feeling were okay to feel given my circumstances. Proud that I survived those feelings, and those years, and somehow I am still the woman and mother I am today. Not BECAUSE of that pain, but DESPITE it!