Being a parent is such a wild adventure! With a 20-year-old and an 8-year-old, I feel like I’m well-prepared to understand just how crazy the journey can be!
Yesterday, my 8-year-old had a friend over, and they had a bit of a disagreement. My son handled it with a calm and straightforward approach at first. I heard him tell the other little boy that he didn’t like how he was speaking. He asked him to stop, even suggesting they play something else. He told his friend that he was being mean and that the things he was saying were hurtful. He asked him how he would feel if it was being said to him. Keep in mind, they were arguing over a video game, so it wasn’t a huge deal. But still, my son stood his ground and said all the right and calm things to express his feelings and try to get his friend to stop saying nasty things about the video game. Annnnnd then he finally lost his shit when the other kid wouldn’t stop. He let his frustration get the better of him and acted out by threatening to hit the other kid.
Right away, my husband and I stepped in, chatted with them about how to treat friends, and then we had to end the playdate. Later that evening, my husband and I talked to our son about what happened. We really focused on helping him understand how to manage his feelings and when it’s okay to stand up for himself, versus when it’s better to walk away and get an adult involved. Our son, being such a thoughtful and introspective little person, started feeling bad about his decisions. He was upset and worried about what he could have done differently. He was grappling with the idea that he let someone push him to act in a way that was out of character for him.
So before my husband put my son to bed last night, I asked him to chat with him. I wanted to reassure him that it’s okay to mess up sometimes, and that everyone can feel overwhelmed at times. I listened from the hallway at some point to see how the conversation was coming along, knowing my son was really upset.
Listening to them brought on a surge of emotions. I was so impressed by how naturally my son talks to his dad, and with such ease. It was like he was a grown man at a bar, chatting with his best friend about a rough day. Just knowing he has a lifelong best friend made my heart swell. Besides admiring their relationship, I was really moved by how much my son cares and thinks. He’s only 8, but he’s probably one of the most self-aware, well-spoken, and empathetic people I’ve ever met.
He told his dad that he was upset at himself for how he acted. He said he should have handled it better. He even quoted Benjamin Franklin and told his dad that “well done is better than well said”. 😂 He went on to tell my husband that since he has turned 8, he has had a lot of big feelings, and he’s not always sure why. Then he likened life to a big puzzle. Telling his dad that every day you are just putting more pieces in, and some days you put them in the wrong spot and have to start over.
I spent a good while in the hall, quietly listening to their conversation. I wasn’t trying to pry, nor did I doubt my husband could handle it. Instead, I felt like I was getting a sneak peek into the early days of manhood. It was like I was seeing a glimpse into my son’s inner world and the man he’s becoming. As he talked things through with his dad, figuring things out and shaping who he’s going to be, I could also hear my husband healing a part of himself. He’s finally getting the chance to share all the things he needed someone to tell him when he was eight and made a mistake.
He eventually stepped out of the room and spotted me in the hall. We both just smiled at each other. Mesmerized by this amazing little human we created and the incredible depth of his knowledge at such a young age. Captivated by his soul and the depth it already carries.
I said to my husband.. can you imagine if you and I, had us as parents? How would it feel to have our parents speak to us with the same warmth and understanding we have with our kids, or to have the same close relationships? I can’t help but wonder how much our lives would have changed. It would have been a total game-changer for me, no doubt.
That’s the idea behind the saying, “be the parent you wish you had.” It’s been incredibly healing for me to have that chance. To love my kids the way I needed to be loved. To listen to them the way I needed to be heard. To see them and truly appreciate all their unique quirks and personality. I know that if I hadn’t had the opportunity to love my kids the way I do, some parts of me would still be healing.
My husband and I are working hard to break YEARS of generational cycles, and we’re doing it together. We’re not perfect, just like we’re teaching our kids, but we know our mistakes and own them. We say sorry when we’re wrong. We show love and also guide them on what’s right and wrong. We talk, but we also listen. We’re strong when we need to be, and gentle when we don’t.
When my son asked yesterday about what punishment he would have for what happened with his friend, we said we didn’t think a punishment was needed. We’d already talked about things, and we told him that we trust him to think about what we discussed and do better next time. He said, “Yeah, I guess sometimes you need a punishment, and sometimes you just need a lesson.”
Wise words from a little man. ❤️
A Time For Peace 